Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
