I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
