dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
