I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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