I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
