Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Those nachos came to me in a dream
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
