On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
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