I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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