If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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