i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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