Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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