i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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