Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
