I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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