Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize