Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
