"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
