Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
