I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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