when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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