Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
