Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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