Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think my vagina is haunted
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
