he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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