Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
