dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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