Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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