I wish I could teleport
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
