I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
