quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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