o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
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