The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
