I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
