i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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