Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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