I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
