You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
