don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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