I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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