Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Randomize