one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
