There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
