Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
