my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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