you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize