well I can't set my house on fire every night
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
