mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
