I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
4 words: hood of his car
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
