Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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