think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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