I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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