You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
