My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
