Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
