my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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