I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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