i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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