its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
