Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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