Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
