i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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