I think i peed on brittanys purse
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
