I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
