I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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