I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
