i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
