They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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