i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
