Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
