I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
